The secret code of a Supergirl – Episode 2 By Cat Raincock
As you know, it is my commitment to my followers to provide you with tools and information to change your life. This week is no different! I love to share my own knowledge and techniques as well as featuring guest interviews with other empowered women who are also dedicated to guiding women to their best version. This week I spoke to talented Becki Sams, a Mindful Sex & Intimacy Coach and founder of The Mindful Sex & Intimacy Co.
Truth: In order to own your Supergirl status, you have to acknowledge, and fire up, your sexual energy – this is your life force and without it, there is no super, just meh…
If women want to be their best version, you have to look at the mundane parts, as well as the spicy bits. Your sexual energy is vital to your holistic well-being, as I have already said, it is your life force. The benefits of intimacy, sex and love are endless but in society these days, women are being shamed and shut down and have become embarrassed to own and show their sexual side. More so than ever, women are suffering from ill health in the nether regions; painful periods, thrush, endometriosis, fibroids and the list goes on. I have witnessed it for myself, when I have women arrive in my hypnosis practice with womb issues and when I gently delve into their subconscious it’s all linked to the shutting down and shaming of their womanly essence – also known as Shakti, our goddess energy, our irresistible sexual self.
Time to get down to the nitty gritty but just before we do, be honest with yourself. How much are you enjoying your sex life? Are you having sex or is it a barren in the bedroom? If you are, is it sensual and intimate or just a wham bam thank you, ma’am? Times up ladies, you’ve got to get clear on what you want and how you want it. It’s no secret that your sexual habits are linked to the way you see and feel about yourself and it’s the same in the relationships we attract. As sexpert Becki says, ‘All too often, women are encouraged to put everybody else’s needs above their own. In relationships, this shows up as “putting on a show” (including faking orgasms), not knowing how to assert yourself or ask for what you want, and feeling generally dissatisfied with the lack of intimacy or enjoyable sex.’ Why do we feel it’s ok to just ‘go along with things’ in the bedroom even when we don’t like it and aren’t feeling it? If you had more confidence and knew how to handle this, wouldn’t it make for a better place?
There is an army of women out there now, including myself that are transforming women’s lives so they can live full and happy lives. Becki teaches women how to experience more passion, improve their relationships, and have better sex – all using the concept of mindfulness. Becki is part of the female generation that is committed to changing this conversation and situation by opening it up and helping women to explore what’s really going on, ‘I want more women to join the sexual pleasure revolution, and realise they DESERVE to put themselves first and get their damn needs met!’
It starts with you and what you are no longer prepared to put up with. Are you happy with this part of you being asleep? Are you ok with no or mediocre bedroom antics? Becki is all too familiar with the feeling of disempowerment and formed Mindful Sex & Intimacy Co following her experience of meaningless relationships and sexual encounters. ‘I used to crave intimacy and meaningful connection, so I threw myself full-force into my relationships. But when I got there, I ended up moulding to what the other person wanted – always trying to please them, to the detriment of my own needs and desires. This was ESPECIALLY true in the bedroom; in a 5-year relationship, I could count on one hand the number of times I climaxed.’ Where are you doing this in the bedroom? Wouldn’t it be liberating if you could be confident enough to honour, own and be the master of your sexual energy, needs and wants? Isn’t this the modern woman’s right? Yessss I hear you shout!! Well, let’s start here as Becki shares what symptoms she suffered before she fired up her kundalini!
The problems were as follows:
· I didn’t feel comfortable to ask for what I wanted, fearing my partner would feel criticised
· I didn’t know how to openly talk about sex
· I felt ashamed of my sexuality and high sex drive
· I just wanted my partner to feel satisfied, so he wouldn’t leave me
· I was never fully engaged and present during sex
Do any of these resonate with you? If so, there is hope and once we can understand the root of this then we can bring a conscious awareness to our choices. Who would have thought that mindfulness was a sexual superpower?
Becki had also endured a string of failed long-term relationships and more casual encounters than she could count. It was this catalytic moment that she started practicing mindfulness to help with anxiety and stress. And the biggest surprise? It completely revolutionised her sex life!
But why and how did something so simple have such a big impact I asked Becki? ‘Mindfulness helped me to started getting super clear on what I wanted and needed from a relationship, what my standards were, what I would tolerate and what I wouldn’t. I set clear boundaries and started to take care of ME. I felt more confident in speaking about my needs openly, without fear of judgment or criticism from a partner (because I’d finally figured out who I was!). I became totally present and engaged during sex – which has resulted in the best sex of my life, and a deep, meaningful relationship with a partner who loves me for who I truly am.’ Powerful stuff, to say the least, she now declares she has exactly what she wanted all those years ago – and uses her knowledge to help other women achieve the same results, only much faster! What a relief!
If any of this sounds familiar and you want to heal this part of you then here are some suggestions from Becki on how you can bring more mindfulness into your life to transform your relationships and sexual encounters:
· In order to attract the kind of love, sex, intimacy or relationship you desire (and deserve), you have to get in touch with yourself, your body, your life, and your own needs. Practicing mindfulness is a fantastic way to do this as it’s simple, practical, and easy to integrate into your daily life.
· Read up on mindfulness, sex, relationships and love – some of my favourites are; Make Every Man Want You by Marie Forleo, Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori Brotto, and Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas
· Take a short course on mindfulness to learn the basic skills, and actually do the exercises (it’s all experiential learning, ladies!)
· Bring a mindful touch to everything you do, not only in your relationship. Try to eat mindfully, wake up mindfully, communicate mindfully, and cultivate an overall attitude of non-judgment and acceptance
· Above all else, surround yourself with positivity! Start being mindful of who you spend your time with and what you spend your time doing – and systematically remove the things/people that deplete you, while increasing contact with those that nourish you.
For getting intimate and connecting to your sexual self:
1. Learn how to release stress. Perform a guided breathing exercise (such as the one in my freebie) to release tension before getting intimate with yourself/your partner. It’s super hard to feel stressed and sexy at the same time!
2. Visualise and/or journal about your ideal sexual self. What kind of things do you wear? How do you carry yourself? How do you treat your body? What kind of sexual activities do you get up to (alone, or with a partner)? How can you start incorporating more of these into your life now?
3. Masturbate regularly. Explore the use of different sexual aids (such as vibrators, erotica, or plain old fantasy). Pay attention to the sensations when you touch yourself, and get to know what works to get you off!
For feeling confident in the bedroom:
1. Get comfortable asking for what you want. This takes practice, but start outside the bedroom. Start asking for what you really want, not going along with what others say. The more you flex this muscle, the easier it will get – and the easier it will be recognise what it actually IS that you want, so you’re able to ask for it with empowerment (and without embarrassment).
2. Build trust and intimacy with your partner. Make sure you’re getting naughty with someone you fully trust and feel truly intimate with. If it’s a new relationship or a casual partner, try an exercise such as the ‘heart connection pose’ (included in my freebie) to quickly build a beautiful connection before you get down to business.
3. Take a ‘NO FAKE ORGASM’ vow. Bring your authentic self to the bedroom – make a promise that you won’t ‘put on a show’ for your partner or fake your orgasm to get it over with. Instead, focus on the feelings, sensations, and activities you get up to together. Try to remain fully present throughout, and see what a difference this makes to your experience.
If that wasn’t enough, Becki shares her top 3 life hacks:
1. Get clear on what you want: define your dream relationship. What does it look like? What do you do together? How do they speak to you? How do they treat you? What qualities do they have? How do you feel? Be as specific as possible – this gives you a clear outcome to work towards.
2. Practice self-care: prioritise and nourish yourself with regular dedicated “me time”. Schedule it into your calendar and make it a non-negotiable. This could include activities such as yoga, massage, a bubble bath, or even just some time out to read or nap. Fill up your metaphorical cup so you have sufficient energy to offer to others.
3. Start meditating: try a simple “mindfulness of breath” meditation where you focus on the breath (you can find a lot of free ones online or on the Insight Timer app). This trains you to be present with your body, which you can then bring to interactions with your current or future partner.
If this feels all too overwhelming, rest assured Becki felt that too and through perseverance overcame the hurdles of life, ‘The “past me” wouldn’t have believed any of this was possible. There was a point in my life where I felt completely hopeless and desperate – like I would never find the love, sex and intimacy I truly wanted, so I might as well settle for what I can get.’
She is here to offer you hope, as am I. I embarked on healing this part of myself as part of my journey. Remember, our healing is like peeling away the layers of the onion until we get to the core. The journey isn’t always easy and it will take work as Becki says ‘It might just be waiting for you to work on yourself a little first, so you can show up fully for the great love of your life. Focus on mindfully bringing maximum passion, pleasure, and excitement into your own life, and the rest will follow.’
CAT’S RECOMMENDED READING: If you are interested in learning more about your sexual energy and freeing it READ: Real Sex by Mike Lousada and Louise Mazanti.
Or perhaps you are brave enough to enjoy a yoni massage – I’ll let you do the research on that one!!
I always ask my guests to share an inspirational quote and explanation:
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been”– George Eliot
Becki says, ‘I just love how this quote holds so much promise for the future and indicates that anyone has the power to change their life, at any time. All they have to do is decide.’
As a gift to my lovely followers, Becki is giving away 3 easy date-night techniques to nourish your relationship and get you in the mood for mind-blowing sex! (free video demos & pdf cheat sheets included).
For more information on Becki’s technique, you can visit her website at http://beckisams.com or follower her on Instagram @becki.sams